


the mess that we are

by hyelin



Series: the exidshidae agenda [4]
Category: EXID (Band), 소녀시대 | Girls' Generation | SNSD
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Piercings, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-10
Updated: 2019-10-10
Packaged: 2020-11-28 19:24:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20971772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyelin/pseuds/hyelin
Summary: “Unnie,” Hyelin tries again, tries to sober up. “I don’t know what I’m doing. But I did something.”





	the mess that we are

**Author's Note:**

> oof uh this is heavy stuff but not too heavy, and angst is kind of my brand so here you go
> 
> someone please hug hyelin

__Hyelin cries so much.

She thinks it’s so pathetic. That she shouldn’t feel so devastated because it’s selfish and so _ wrong _. She doesn’t want the pity of her other members, especially not Solji.

Solji, the reason she is such a wreck, such a garbage bag blown by the wind with no care of where it ends up.

No.

There’s no one to blame but herself. Too cowardly to face her own feelings, too shitty to express them when she had the chance. She had poor humour as gift wrappings for what was truly inside, and Solji didn’t like surprises. 

Solji is married now. For two years already, in fact. 

Hyelin continues to cry. Not like she’s going to stop soon. The jar of feelings can’t hold for long anymore, and when she sees Solji lovingly kiss Taeyeon, she flees from the scene with a trail of tears that no one notices.

━━━━━━━━

Or she thinks no one notices.

━━━━━━━━

“You’re back here again?”

Hyelin doesn’t answer right away. She has her airpods set on a concerning volume and a black mask covering half of her face. Her eyes wander at the collection of tiny spikes and other jewelry laid out for her to choose. “Unnie.”

“You can take your face mask off, there’s no one else here but you and I.”

A set of arms with intricate tattoos mapped out on the skin find their way around Hyelin’s waist. The younger woman breathes, stands stiff, and those arms loosen their hold. 

Hyelin pulls the mask off and faces the other woman. She has dyed her hair again, and she notices the new set of contacts the woman was gushing amount last time she visited. 

“I’m here for something new.” She walks further into the shop and brushes her fingers over a glass case with silver and other metals that she didn’t dare think to put in those places of her body before.

Judging by the skeptical look on the woman’s face, it may as well be out of the question. “Yah, I don’t want your manager’s ass up on me again! You know what he was like when you got your tattoos.”

“Unnie, he’s not gonna know. It’s not like I flash him for some favours. Plus, I’m too much of a lesbian to be that desperate.”

The woman bites her lip and furrows her eyebrows, pondering. “Fine, but you shouldn’t choose anything over the top. You are pretty sensitive around that area.”

“YAH!”

━━━━━━━━

Hyojin can detect liquor like how a dog can track someone’s scent.

And she could sense a copious amount of it. It trails right at the end of the floor, and that’s when she starts worrying. Hyelin lives at the end of the floor.

Everyone in the group has five house keys; one for each member’s flat in case of an emergency. Usually this involved Hani needing help in the kitchen or aiding Jeonghwa of her nightmares. Solji always thought of the worst, and she always has the final say in their group decisions. 

Hyojin opens the door to Hyelin’s flat, and the scent of vodka and beer permeates throughout the atmosphere. She couldn’t breathe for a second, scenarios running through her mind already. It doesn’t take long for her to sprint towards the source of such a strong odour.

Hyelin is splayed on her bed. The duvet is covering half of her body, while the upper half is bare, a sight that Hyojin has never seen. Empty bottles of vodka, beer, soju, whatever are scattered on the floor. There’s a half empty bottle of soju on her nightstand, and Hyojin swipes it off before Hyelin notices a thing.

“Yah, how long have you been drinking?” she bellows.

Hyojin immediately regrets the volume of her voice when Hyelin winces.

“Sorry,” she mutters.

“_ Unnie _.” And Hyelin slurs it so much, Hyojin almost mistakes it for something suggestive, which she proceeded to loathe herself even more now.

“Lini, how long?”

“It’s only been four days.”

“You’re gonna kill yourself if you continue this.”

Hyelin hums. Hyojin notices how it doesn’t seem to faze her as much. Like she’s not so concerned about the possibility of death knocking at her door so soon.

“Unnie,” Hyelin tries again, tries to sober up. “I don’t know what I’m doing. But I did something.”

Hyojin’s confused until Hyelin sits up. That’s when she sees it; the bars piercing her brown nipples and how it twinkles, shines under the yellow light. There’s a playful smirk widening Hyelin’s lips like a child who receives candy from her parents.

“Why have I done this to myself, unnie?” Hyelin questions even further. “Why do I remember every single thing, every single trivial moment about Solji unnie? Four years ago she once joked that her ideal type had nipple piercings, long dirty blonde hair, and had a knack for a healthy amount of self-deprecating humour.

“Finally, I was able to dye my hair, and I already the self-hatred bullshit down. And so I got these months ago.

“Then I remember many times where she laughed at my jokes, when she genuinely found me charming and funny. I visited her every chance I got when she was recovering.

“But I never saw it? I never saw how there was another person in her life. Like she was just waiting for me to admit it. I never saw how she was a bit secretive with all of us since she obviously has a right to privacy. I never saw it at all because I’m a self-centred bastard who is also a stupid fucking douchebag of a coward to just tell her that maybe I love her a little bit more than the messy friendship we have?”

Hyelin scoffs at herself. Hyojin listens to it all intently, but she kicks her shoes out and jumps in the bed with her, ignoring the bottles of liquor that were dangerously close to falling off. 

“I’m so stupid, I’m so shitty, I’m such a fucking cunt, why am I like this?!” Hyelin sobs as Hyojin pulls her into a warm embrace, wrapping her arms and letting her dongsaeng cry over shoulder.

Hyojin can’t formulate any sentence that would lift up all of the weight on Hyelin’s shoulders, but at least she could stay the night and watch as Hyelin drunkenly dozes off to a peaceful sleep. 

━━━━━━━━

** _Months Prior_ **

Hyojin follows Hyelin when she runs off all of the sudden.

No one else tailed after her, which leaves a pretty shitty impression on Hyojin, but there’s no way she could stop a party that celebrated Solji’s marriage without being a huge asshole to everyone and especially Hyelin. 

She knows that Hyelin hates when someone sees her crying, especially when she’s feeling like absolute shit.

She runs out of the club, and into the city lights. That’s when she begins to realise that maybe this is a bad idea considering that chasing Hyelin in the city blindly is futile, and the fact that there’s men ogling her behind at the moment. 

Oh, how she wishes that things are so much simpler. Wishes that Hyelin knew that she isn’t alone, and that there’s also someone waiting for her. Hyojin wishes she could muster up the courage, but all she has are her songs and the lyrics she writes of the flamboyant woman. 

They say that actions speak louder than words. Hyojin tries, but all she has at the moment are words.


End file.
